Ups and downs
I've been feeling down for quite some time now. Seems that things are going over the head a bit. The month of January passed like a single moment. I managed to do a huge amount of things: passed eleven exams, had board meetings, completed reports that have not been done, solved problematic issues with partners, met the gang of friends (pillow-club :o) I hadn't seen for 2 years, went skiing with my family, had two excellent parties with drinking till the morning and attended AIESEC Annual Conference. Pretty much, huh!? But seems that I screwed up with my energy planning.
For the past week or two I've been just empty. On one side I discovered that writing 40 pages of the course paper in two weeks is much more of a challenge than making 4 exams within a week. After giving it in 40 minutes before the deadline fell, it seemed that the world stopped turning. At some point I noticed myself walking on the street on slow mode, with my coat open and eyes seeing nothing. Packing the things for going home to Tallinn in 15 minutes in order to catch the bus was the most difficult thing at that moment. Looking back to the whole month of February, I feel I've lost my ability to connect to people. Like I couldn't understand at all what people are doing, thinking or talking around me, like I were unable to express my own thoughts and feelings, like I didn't know where I belong. It also includes the disability to make the difference between important and less important, take any decisions, not even mentioning showing the path! So things are falling apart - especially at work - and I'm losing the control over myself and my responsibilities.
I guess it is called the feeling of failure. If I only were able to word, what is this failure about! Or maybe the wording is not the biggest problem, but instead doing something about it is what is missing. The worse - I sometimes tend to run away. Like not even trying to find the charger even if my mobile has been empty for 24 hours, not logging to MSN or notifying about where I am. Stupid, ah!
I've taken some more or less free days this week. Have slept a lot, been home doing nothing, been out with people I've never done that before with. Hope I get back on track. And maybe putting it all down here helps to get over it. See you soon with hopefully better news!
